Episode 110 – Culture of Appreciation

Please click here to listen to Episode 110 of the Minutes on Growth Podcast

Hi Soul friends,

It’s Tannaz Hosseinpour and welcome back to another short solo episode of Minutes On Growth.

It’s been hard to create content when my heart has been aching for the Middle East. Watching children die, and a genocide take place right before our eyes while not being able to stop is is perhaps one of the hardest things, we as a collective are experiencing. This pain is shared by so many people, including many of my clients, individuals I love and care for deeply, and today’s podcast is dedicated to a beautiful and empowering relational realization that one of my clients had in the midst of her grief and pain.

She was sharing with me how difficult the past couple of days have been and the panic attacks she has experienced.

In our work together, we had highlighted her tendency to push people away and her desire to be alone when in pain, so it wasn’t a surprise when she shared that she had subconsciously tried to push her partner away this week. However because he was familiar with her coping mechanism, he stood in front of her and proclaimed to her how her presence in his life had changed him for the better.

In the midst of her pain, the moment her husband acknowledged how much he appreciated her empathetic heart, and how much he appreciated how her presence had made him into a better person, her mood shifted.. her heart opened up, and her walls came down… of course, the daily trauma she’s experiencing is too much for her to be in this open state for too long, but even if it was a short-lived mood boost, even if she was in this parasympathetic state for a few hours, it was powerful, and brought them closer.

This is the power of appreciation – the power of gratitude – it can mend broken hearts, it can heal grieving hearts – it can strengthen loving hearts.

often times, especially when we’ve been with our partners for a long time, we feel as if our partners already know how much we love and appreciate them. We love them so deeply within our own hearts, that we just assume that they too must know the state of our internal affairs, but even if that is the case, even if for example we do know how much they love us, how great does it feel when we hear them say it?

In fact, The Gottman Institute, founded by Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman, which is well-known for its research and expertise in the field of relationships and marriage, has highlighted the importance of cultivating a culture of appreciation and mentioned that it is a key component in building and maintaining healthy, strong relationships.

So how can we cultivate a culture of appreciation? Well here are some key principles and advice from the Gottman Institute on this topic:

1. Express Gratitude: As I mentioned earlier, regularly express gratitude and appreciation for your partner. This can be for small things like doing chores (thank you for shopping for groceries, doing the laundry, grabbing me a bottle of water) or for larger gestures (thank you for helping me out with my errands, for remembering to check in with my mom on her birthday, for supporting me with my project). Expressing gratitude can make your partner feel valued and acknowledged, and everyone wants to feel loved, valued and seen in their relationships.
2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration: The Gottman Institute emphasizes the importance of maintaining fondness and admiration for your partner. Remember why you fell in love with them and focus on their positive qualities. I appreciate your kind heart, your empathy, your ability to see the good in people, how organized and disciplined you are, how creative you are, how you motivate me to take better care of my mental health… why is this important? because it helps you keep a positive view of your partner, which also comes in handy when challenges arise because you’re then more likely to give your partner the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst of the bat.
3. Celebrate Achievements: Celebrate each other’s successes, no matter how big or small. Recognize and applaud your partner’s accomplishments, which can foster a sense of support and encouragement in the relationship. Be EXTRA AF. Be their biggest cheerleader. Once again, feeling seen and valued is everything in a relationship!
4. Lastly, Create Rituals of Connection: The Gottman Institute recommends establishing regular rituals of connection, such as date nights or daily check-ins, to reinforce your appreciation for each other. Texting each other throughout the day with messages like “thinking of you”, “how’s your day going?”, “here for you if you need me”… or 5 minute night caps in bed, checking in to see what the best part of their day was and if they need support can really help couples feel supported, even when life circumstances feel out of control… These rituals provide opportunities to bond, and express love and gratitude.

Remember, healthy loving relationships aren’t manifested. They’re co-created by individuals who are committed and willing to do the work… Before I end, I just want to highlight that sometimes in life, we’re unable to do the relational work because our nervous system is in fight or flight mode or freeze mode as a result of experiencing trauma. This is normal. I don’t want you to feel the pressure to do all of these tips all the time. I just want you to be aware of them so that when you are in a state where you feel able to do them, then you’re willing to do them.

Sending you lots of love,

Speak soon.