Hi Soul – Friends,
It’s Tannaz Hosseinpour and welcome back to a short solo episode of Minutes on Growth. I want to briefly talk about the importance of putting in the effort in relationships. Last week, I was in a session with a couple that I’ve recently started working with, and at the end of the session, the gentleman looked at me and said ” why did we not learn these in school and why did we not pick up on these insights as we grew up and as we went through different relationships. why is this knowledge not available to us with experience?”
and it got me thinking.. wow. the work that we do consciously and intentionally in our relationships, we need to seek this knowledge -not all of it comes to us on its own. most of these relational tools and skills is something we have to set an intention to learn and to acquire, and it requires effort so is it worth it? is it worth it to read all these books, to go to all these seminars and listen to the podcasts and enrol in the courses, and go to coaching and therapy? because it’s a lot of effort and we’re putting a lot of time, money and energy into it – In my opinion, it is worth it. Not only as someone who has coached hundreds of couples, but also looking at it through my own experience going to couples therapy and coaching.
reflecting back on my relationships when I was 16 and 17 , even up until the age of 24/25, the quality of my relationships are incomparable to the relationships I have now. Back then drama was a constant in my relationships. Fighting and the silent treatment were on the menu every month.
Back then I didn’t how to communicate my feelings in a way where the other person wouldn’t get defensive. I didn’t know how to gather my thoughts and relay them in a constructive way.
Back then , I didn’t even know what boundaries were so I was stuck in a loop of people pleasing burn out.
Back then I didn’t know how to show love in a way that the other person could feel it and resonate with it.
I’m not only talking about my intimate relationships, but my relationships with my family members and my friends, the tools that I’ve learned over the years and the skills that I’ve enhanced have really changed the quality my life.
and it keeps getting better.
because learning is one thing but implementing is a whole different story so am I implementing the communication skills better today than a year ago? definitely — the more practice you have , the better you become at it and the quality of our life is truly impacted by the quality of our relationships
when we’re able to live in a peaceful home, when we’re able to create a fulfilling environment for ourselves at work , when we’re able to create deep and meaningful bonds with our friends and loved ones, our mood changes. More importantly when we’re able to process heavy emotions and have uncomfortable difficult conversations in a respectful manner.. Its a game changer – the quality of our life significantly increases — so is it worth it? yes
but is it a lot of work? the answer is also yes
I want us to briefly pause and for a second recognize why this work is important.
What we need to take into consideration, is if all of this is learned, and we are now living in a world with tremendous advancements in technology that have allowed us to learn in an instant, whether its online on google or all the content creators on instagram, then we have what our parents didn’t have. our parents didn’t have access to these resources to the scope that we do – so they had to either go to school and study psychology or they had to be avid learners where they had to try much harder to gain access through their local libraries and the amount of material out there was much more limited – so what we need to realize is, okay kids from that generation who are now the millennials, we need to do the work. we are now at that age where we’re now building families, and we’re creating the new generation , so it’s a time sensitive matter.
and we have access to so much information, so its not the access to information that was the issue with our parents, but rather the implementation part of it – putting in the hours and effort to practice what we learn
so this is definitely the time – we are the generation that can change the narrative.
we are the generation that can create mutually fulfilling healthy love stories.
the question is – will we do it?
will we allow ourselves the opportunity to rewire our nervous system?
will we allow ourselves the opportunity to reprogram the way we look at and think about relationships and communication and connection?
for decades, we heard the advice don’t go to bed angry which put so much pressure on couples to resolve matters immediately which could potentially lead to one party abandoning their truth for the sake of “peace at bedtime” which built resentment overtime, but now we know that its okay, its okay to go to bed angry – its okay to pause to allow the nervous system to soothe – not everything needs to be solved right then especially if one of the parties is experiencing a freeze response. It’s okay to pause and come back to the discussion when both parties are calmer and can communicate in a respectful manner
Speaking of respect, now, thanks to psychologists such as Dr John Gottman from the Gottman institute , we know about the 4 horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt and how their presence in our communication can lead to conflict. For more on the 4 horsemen, please listen to my episode named “Healthy Relationships with Elizabeth Earnshaw” In fact Dr John Gottman’s research shows that if contempt is present in a marriage, there’s a 93% chance the relationship will end in divorce.
The moment we know what contempt is, how it shows up and what the antidote is – we can stop ourselves from engaging in it. So we do have control over the 50% that we bring to the relationship. When we know better, we do better and when we do better, the chances of it getting better increases.
Now we know that people process love differently thanks to Dr Gary Chapman, whose research showed us that people’s primary love languages can look different and thats sometimes couple’s feel like their efforts aren’t being recognized by the other person – because they’re speaking to their partner in their own love language, instead of their partner’s love language.
Once we have awareness of these relational tools, we can become proactive with the quality of our relationship. we can break generational patterns. we can write a new story, one where we are in a loving healthy relationship that brings joy into every cell of our body.
remember, healthy loving relationships aren’t manifested, they are created.
and like everything else in life, if you truly want it, and put in the effort, you can experience it.
and more importantly, you deserve to have it.
Sending you lots of love
It’s Tannaz hosseinpour and welcome to another short solo episode of minutes on growth. I want to briefly talk today about processing judgment that we receive from others, whether directly or indirectly through gossip.
When judgment arises from others, the soul and the ego tend to want to react differently.
The ego tends to get defensive and wants to speak up.
In these moments, the ego wants to seek revenge, to cause harm back– the critic will fill your mind up with “but how dare she!” and that’s why its really important in these moments to recognize that hurt people hurt people, and we’re not here on this planet to police people on how they should behave. That’s their movie – whatever they sow they will reap. Whatever we sow we will reap, so our reaction will have impact on our life. (On a side note, from a spiritual perspective, when people gossip about us, what they’re doing is removing our negative energy. So from that perspective, what a blessing that someone through their actions is removing our darkness)
However, coming back to the moment of trigger, the soul knows that it it cannot control other people’s actions towards us – however people act is a reflection of their inner state – those who shame others, tend to carry a lot of shame – those who judge others, tend to be extremely self-judgmental and those who spread false narratives do so from a place of lack.
So the soul understands these concepts and through that recognizes that it’s not personal – that said, the only thing the soul can do is distance itself from those who choose to cause harm and instead focus on its core loving truth
You see, we have have full control over who we allow into our circle , and we need to consciously practice this ability by being intentional with who gets access to our energy field.
This is the gift we give to ourselves.
I know, it’s much easier to practice spiritual concepts when everything is going well. But it’s in the moments that we’re triggered, attacked , hurt that we must do whatever it takes to go against our ego’s nature of reacting and instead pause.
To allow ourselves some space to take deep breaths and to restrict our ego from engaging in other people’s harmful movie loops.
The pause allows the soul to come forward and take the lead.
This is how we invite light into our life
By not engaging in other people’s darkness and by not taking their darkness towards us as personal. happy people don’t go around sprinkling pain and misery onto others. Understanding that allows us to let go without resentment and without judgment. This part is really important, because the ego can show up with another mask and say “Im letting go because I’m better” thats another form of judgment. What we want to do it let go from a place of deep understanding. It definitely doesn’t excuse their behavior and it doesn’t make it okay, but what it does do is it places ourselves first – its us prioritizing our own mental health – this is self love.
So here are some practical ways that you can activate your parasympathetic nervous system when you’re triggered so you can navigate away from the fight or flight response to rest or digest:
- walk in nature
- take slow deep breaths — its called balanced breathing, so you inhale for 4 seconds, and then you exhale slowly through the nose again for 4 seconds. you repeat this for 10 times at-least.
- drinking a glass of cold water or splashing cold water onto your face or putting an ice cube on your neck or wrist
- speaking to friends who don’t add fuel to the fire and who hold space for you to breathe through it
- writing out all your emotions on paper and then burning it. by the way, let it all out, do not hold back when you’re transferring your emotions from your body onto the piece of paper
- lastly, scream it out into a pillow or in your car.. cry it out …
It’s important for us to process these emotions so they don’t get stuck in our system.
Again this doesn’t mean that we don’t set boundaries or choose to distance ourselves, but rather in that moment of trigger, not allowing the ego to engage in a narrative that causes more harm to ourselves. Practicing spiritual concepts of pause or of letting go, does not make you naive or weak. It takes tremendous courage and bravery to be heart centered in a world that feeds off of pain and fear.
You are not what other people think of you.
You are an extension of light
You are made of love
Sending you lots of Love
It’s Tannaz Hosseinpour and welcome to another short solo episode of Minutes on Growth.
Recently someone asked me why they’re always anticipating worst case scenarios, so I thought I’d briefly talk about how the mind works.
To start if you too find yourself in a similar situation, I would suggest you begin by asking yourself: what will happen if the worst case scenario happens? how will you react to it? remember, our reactions can reveal a lot of our subconscious fears and beliefs.
Then ask yourself if there is a small part of you that desires that reaction? Yes you heard that right – what part of you secretly wants that reaction? What part of you feels familiar wth the chaos? In other words, when the worst case scenario happens, is there a part of you that thinks to itself ” I knew it or I told you so” ? This is one way our mind gives us a false sense of control over outcomes.
You see, our minds job is to keep us safe, and safe means not disrupting the status quo, and not creating change.
So for example, if I have this subconscious belief that all men cheat, then my mind will go above and beyond to validate that belief for me – so it will actively look for and entertain men who cheat to prove to me “see I told you so!”
Or if I think that it’s extremely hard to make money, then I might automatically be dismissive of any business opportunities that feel easy, and instead will choose to actively look for and entertain the careers that validate my belief and that feel difficult. After all, the critic in our mind never wants to be wrong.
The same applies to worst case scenarios – when I’m entertaining a worst case scenario, I am subconsciously entertaining a limiting belief that my mind wants to validate. My soul ends up hiding behind these beliefs and starts to mistake the beliefs with the truth. Remember our experience of reality is based on our beliefs, thoughts , opinions and perceptions, so naturally, by entertaining these scenarios, our current experience of reality is altered to match and validate them.
Whenever I fall into a slippery slope of what ifs, my spiritual teacher always asks me “Is this your soul speaking or are you wearing your negatively biased glasses today?”
& 99.9% of the time its the foggy glasses I’m wearing.. I’m seeing the situation through them, and when we can’t see clearly, the mind starts to make assumptions.
This isn’t to scare you into never thinking negatively, but rather through this awareness to give you control back over your life. Once you have awareness of how the mind works, and how our experiences are shaped, we recognize that we are in the driver’s seat of our own life. As William Henley beautifully wrote in Invictus, We become the master of our fate and the captain of our soul.
So the next time you find yourself, entertaining the worst case scenario, ask yourself what is the story underneath it? Then courageously investigate it without self-judgment.
Sending you lots of love,
It’s been a while since I’ve recorded a short solo cast — mainly because I’ve been occupied observing a very interesting space that I have found myself in.
Many speak of breakdowns, and as a result of breakthroughs, but few speak of the icky space in between these two.
The space in between – This is the space of uncertainty, or as I like to think of it, the space where anything and everything is possible, but as exciting that might sound, it is a space filled with confusion, with many never ending questions around identity and purpose.
Where am I going? Who am I becoming? What am I doing?
10 months ago, I experienced a traumatic life quake that changed the trajectory of my life. Since then I have dived in and out of the different states of grief — grieving the loss of life as I knew it— and I think my soul is now ready to slowly make it to the finish line, but like all finish lines, the last steps are the hardest. In fact I strongly believe that right before the finish line , is the last final breakdown of the current chapter of your life.
This finish line feels like a caterpillar’s final moments before it turns into a butterfly. It is a period of extreme internal struggle. This final breakdown is what makes the biggest difference. Here we have a choice. We can either allow it to inspire us to evolve to the next level, or allow it to break us for good. For evolvement to take place, it is imperative that we do not interfere with the struggle and not become numb.
What does that look like?
Well our role then becomes to simply enter into a state of stillness – to become quiet and witness.. witness the pain of shedding parts of yourself that no longer serve you, witness the pain of letting go of the old parts of you that are now redundant, witness the pain of cutting the chord of your old dreams & goals, that once served you for sure, but not anymore.
It’s as if you’re at your own life’s bonfire… everything you are throwing in needs to burn, and there’s nothing you can do to change the fact that they’re no longer serving you.. so you might as well watch the fire become bigger… with a lot of tears involved.
This is not a period of playing the victim. This is not a period of seeking answers. This is not a period of suppressing emotions.
This is a period of rawness.
This is a period of going against our nature of instant gratification and sitting in the discomfort of not knowing why you’re there but at the time time having certainty, certainty that after this, oh the places you will go & the miracles and the blessings that will come through you during the breakthrough…Thinking about it gives me goosebumps, and that is the beauty of spiritual certainty. certainty that we are always divinely guided even when our logical mind can’t comprehend it… certainty that the universe will always reroute us to our highest good, if only we allow it. if only we do not interfere in the final breakdown.
So if we find ourselves here in this space of in between, how can we make the best out of it? I’ve realized that the biggest and most important step in this space is acceptance. Accepting that you’re hurt, or that you’re in pain. so when people ask you how you’re doing? instead of abandoning yourself and saying I’m good, just honestly responding I’m not good but thats okay. It’s accepting that you have no control, no control over how long this period is going to last, no control over the outcome.. It’s accepting the discomfort. It’s accepting that you’re going through an unknown journey – one that will require you to burn to ashes the current version of yourself.
& you know what? this part truly sucks.
Why? because we’d rather stay in our comfort zone, have things as they are, hold on to the familiar. We’d rather have the answers. We’d rather know where we’re going. After all, this is what our mind is busy doing everyday – keeping us quote on quote safe by maintaining the status quo.
But if we can just tap into the sea of courage that lies within us, and just allow ourselves to feel the feelings without judgment, without all the “shoulds and musts” we have created for ourselves… then with that compassionate awareness a new version of ourselves is created that will light up the world.
This is how the universe puts us back on track.
So if you’re in that space, please know that you’re not alone.
I see you, I honour you and I promise you, that the breakthrough is coming and it’s much bigger than you could’ve ever dreamed of.
Your bravery will be rewarded, just sit still.
Lots of love,