Please click here to listen to Episode 122 of the Minutes on Growth Podcast
Hi soul friends
Its Tannaz hosseinpour and welcome back to another short solo episode of the minutes on growth podcast. I recently created a series of reels on instagram on the importance of fighting fair when navigating conflict which resulted in many DMs asking me to dive deeper into it so here we are.
First of all, let me begin by saying that the presence of conflict is never an issue. In fact, when couples tell me that they never fight … it’s rarely a good sign. it means that perhaps someone has been abandoning their needs and not speaking their truth because disagreements are normal… seeing the world differently is normal. siblings in the same household have differences let alone two individuals coming together with two completely different families of origin, experiences and worldviews.
so conflict is never the issue.. but how we fight and ultimately how we repair is what matters.
the goal is to fight fair.. but what does fighting fair look like? when we’re talking about conflict resolution , respect needs to be present and we show respect by making sure that we avoid name calling or attacking our partner’s character.. this is what happens when we shift gears into criticism, one of the deadly four horsemen as outlined by Dr John Gottman… for example, the problem shifts from the unwashed dishes to now your partner being labelled as messy and inconsiderate. When we are attacking our partner’s character, naturally the other person is going to get defensive.
we also want to avoid bringing up the past.. this can side track us from the issue at hand so I always remind my clients to tackle one issue at a time… it’s also important to avoid over generalizing terms like “always” and “never”. for example, “you never show up on time” or “you always take the other person’s side”. in that moment, instead of your partner being able to recognize the meaning behind your complaint, they’ll focus on the times they did show up and or they take your side. this will lead them into defensiveness, another one of the 4 horsemen
When we’re fighting fair, it’s important to not make assumptions about the other person’s intentions… “you didn’t answer the phone on purpose to punish me for our morning argument…” or “you were late because you don’t respect my time”… it’s easy for our inner critic to make these deductions and thats why it’s important that we do 2 things.. one is to practice curiosity and the other is to give the person the benefit of the doubt… practicing curiosity allows us to ask questions instead of making assumptions… can you let me know what you didn’t answer the phone or why you were late to our date. curiosity brings clarity… assumptions create ruptures because when we make an assumption there’s 2 scenarios.. one we vocalize it and the other person gets defensive… or we don’t vocalize it and our behavior towards the other person shifts which can create a domino effect.
when we’re practicing curiosity and the other person is sharing their experience with us and the feelings they’ve felt, it’s important that we don’t dismiss or minimize their feelings…everyone’s feelings are always valid for them… it might not be how you feel or how you would feel in their shoes but that doesn’t mean that they can’t feel that way… so making sure we refrain from making comments such as “you’re being too sensitive”… or “you’re wrong for feeling that way…”
another element of fighting fair is the tone we use. we want to make sure we’re not speaking in a condescending tone… and we’re actually allowing them to speak without us interrupting them with our counter arguments. I call this lawyering up. Sometimes I notice in sessions that instead of the client listening to what their partner is saying so that they can better understand them, they’re coming up with their responses in their head so that they can quote on quote win the argument — we’re not in court, and you’re both on the same team. its always us vs the problem, and not me vs you. this perspective shift can help us be more present and actually hear the other person. On the topic of tone, language matters too. avoiding belittling language such as “didn’t you learn better from your parents..” or “where were you raised…” when we use sarcasm and start to belittle our partner, we’re entering the realm of contempt .. which is technically, criticism on steroids. research conducted by the gottman institute showed that the presence of contempt was the number of predictor of divorce.
speaking of divorce, another element of fighting fair is not threatening to leave the relationship… if we threaten to end the relationship during every conflict, this ruptures the relational safety present… the other person will no longer feel safe in that relationship.. which can lead to other issues.
Lastly, the ability to take accountability for the impact of our actions. I outlined 10 examples of this on my instagram so definitely check it out.
So soul-friends, please remember that the presence of conflict is not a red flag – but how we fight can be. Educating and reminding ourselves of these elements can help us master the skill of fighting fair, and through this process, allowing ourselves to grow and evolve both as individuals and as a couple. Btw all of this even applies to friendship.
I hope this episode has served you and has given you the insights you need to handle conflict better.
Thank you for listening,
Speak soon
Minutes on Growth 