Click here to listen to Episode 153 of the Minutes on Growth podcast on Spotify or on Apple Podcast
Hi soul friends, its Tannaz Hosseinpour, and welcome back to another solo episode of Minutes on Growth.
In this episode, we’re diving into something I see so often in sessions and hear in sisterhood spaces … the pattern of stepping into the mothering role in romantic relationships.
This episode is not about blame or shame … it’s about awareness, emotional safety, and reclaiming our feminine power in relationships. Because here’s the truth:
When you mother your partner, the role of girlfriend, lover, or wife becomes vacant.
And while it often comes from a good place ( wanting to support, help, or nurture ) this dynamic can slowly erode emotional intimacy, sexual polarity, and mutual respect.
Let’s explore how this happens, why it’s harmful, and what to do instead.
Let’s start with some honesty … many of us were conditioned to over-function.
Especially if you’re a people-pleaser, an eldest daughter, or someone who grew up in a home where emotional labor was your love language.
You might have learned that love looks like:
- Reminding him of his appointments
- Repacking his gym bag
- Cleaning up after him
- Doing his emotional processing for him
But here’s the thing:
That’s not partnership. That’s parenting.
According to relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman, imbalance of responsibility can lead to resentment, conflict, and feelings of being undervalued. The Gottman Institute emphasizes that it’s not necessarily about dividing tasks 50/50, but rather about each partner feeling that their contributions are recognized and appreciated and mothering (constantly correcting, controlling, or over-managing your partner ) can breed resentment on both sides, and resentment can lead to contempt, which is a major predictor of divorce (their research shows 93% likelihood). so why on both sides?
- You feel exhausted, underappreciated, and touch-starved.
- He feels belittled, emasculated, and pulled away from his own agency.
And when sexual polarity disappears… the romantic connection fades.
I read a beautiful quote once which I think is attributed to Esther perel (not fully sure) but it says
“We want to have sex with someone who excites us, not someone who exhausts us.”
Now let’s look at it from a different perspective
From a nervous system lens, stepping into the mothering role often feels “safe.”
It gives us a sense of control … especially if we fear being abandoned or disappointed. It’s the “If I don’t do it, no one will” wound.
But when we’re always doing ( planning, fixing, managing ) we move into hyper-vigilance, not intimacy.
True partnership thrives in interdependence, not caretaking.
If this is resonating, I don’t want you to panic … its not a death sentence… like always, awareness is the first step
Once we are aware of it, here are some ways to step out of the mothering dynamic and back into your role as a partner:
- Notice the Pattern Without Shame:
Ask yourself: “Am I over-functioning in areas where he can step up?” - Stop Reminding & Start Releasing:
Let him hold the consequences of forgetting or messing up.
Trust that discomfort can be a teacher. - Use “I” Statements to Reclaim Energy:
Try: “I’ve noticed I’ve been feeling more like your manager than your partner, and it’s affecting how connected I feel.” - Invite, Don’t Instruct:
Instead of directing (“You should…”), invite collaboration.
Ask, “How can we both support the home/relationship better?” or “I’m deeply craving date nights and feeling connected to you without the kids or any other distractions, can you schedule a night out for us?” - Reignite Polarity:
Step back into your feminine … the energy if softness, trust, receptivity … instead of constantly being in the doing, fixing energy. Remember balancing the yin and yang is key. so allow yourself to flirt. Receive. Express. Be.
So soul-friends, f you’ve been in this pattern, I want you to know:
You are not wrong for being nurturing.
But love doesn’t mean over-responsibility.
Devotion does not mean depletion.
You deserve to be loved as a woman, not just appreciated as a caregiver.
If this episode resonated , feel free to share it with your loved ones – thank you for listening and speak soon
Minutes on Growth 