Click here to listen to Episode 174 of the Minutes on Growth Podcast on Spotify, on Apple Podcast or watch it on Youtube.
Hi soul friends, its Tannaz Hosseinpour, and welcome back to another short solo episode of the Minutes on Growth podcast.
Today’s episode begins with a question that I hear all the time.
“I don’t know why I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people.”
“I always attract narcissists.”
“I keep attracting people who don’t want commitment.”
And while I completely understand why people ask that question…
I actually think there’s a more empowering one.
Because the truth is…
we can’t control who enters our lives.
We’re going to attract…or simply encounter…a wide variety of people throughout our lifetime.
People with secure attachment.
People with anxious attachment.
People with avoidant attachment.
People who are emotionally available.
People who aren’t.
People who are intentional with doing the inner work…
People who are still carrying a lot of unresolved pain they’re unaware of.
We don’t get to choose who crosses our path.
But we do get to choose who we continue walking with.
So perhaps the more empowering question isn’t…
“Why do I keep attracting this type of person?”
It’s…
“Why do I keep entertaining them?”
Because that question shifts our attention from the external…
to the internal.
And that’s where change becomes possible.
One of the biggest concepts we talk about in attachment theory is familiarity.
Our nervous systems are drawn toward what feels familiar.
Not necessarily what feels healthy.
If chaos was familiar…
calm can feel boring.
If inconsistency was familiar…
consistency can actually feel uncomfortable.
If you had to earn love growing up…
effortless love might feel suspicious.
Our nervous systems often confuse familiarity with safety.
Even when that familiarity hurt us.
And that’s why we sometimes find ourselves repeatedly entertaining similar relationship dynamics.
Not because we’re choosing pain…
but because our nervous system recognizes the pattern.
There’s something Dr. Gabor Maté says that has always stayed with me.
He talks about how, as children, we didn’t have control over many of the experiences that shaped us.
But as adults…
we sometimes unconsciously recreate similar situations in an attempt to change the ending.
Think about that for a moment.
Maybe you’re hoping that this emotionally unavailable person…
will finally choose you.
Maybe this time…
someone will stay.
Maybe this time…
someone will validate you.
Maybe this time…
you’ll finally receive what you didn’t receive back then.
The relationship isn’t just about the person in front of you.
Sometimes…
it’s also about the unfinished story behind you.
Now, I also want to offer another perspective that I really appreciate from couples therapist Terry Real.
He says:
“We all marry the next step in our own psychological development.”
I love that reframe.
Because instead of asking,
“What’s wrong with me?”
It asks,
“What is this relationship inviting me to learn?”
Every relationship shines a light on something.
Our boundaries.
Our communication.
Our attachment wounds.
Our capacity for intimacy.
Our fears.
Our patterns.
Relationships become mirrors.
Not because they’re here to complete us…
but because they’re here to reveal us.
& This is where I love bringing in the Internal Family Systems, or IFS modality into the therapy room.
Instead of asking,
“Why am I doing this again?”
We become curious.
What part of me is showing up?
Is it the part that’s terrified of abandonment?
The part that believes love has to be earned?
The caretaker?
The fixer?
The people pleaser?
The part that’s afraid that if I set a boundary…
I’ll lose the relationship?
When we shift from judgment…
to curiosity…
everything changes.
Because every part of us developed for a reason.
So the next time you notice yourself pulled toward a relationship that doesn’t feel healthy…
pause.
Instead of focusing only on the other person…
turn inward.
Ask yourself:
What part of me is getting activated?
What emotions are coming up?
What familiar pattern is repeating itself?
What story am I telling myself?
When was the last time I remember feeling this way?
What are my earliest memories of this feeling?
Where do I notice it in my body?
Because our bodies often remember long before our minds do.
Maybe it’s a tightness in your chest.
A pit in your stomach.
A lump in your throat.
Those sensations carry information.
Listen to them.
Because one of the most empowering realizations we can have is this:
Not everyone who enters your life deserves access to your heart.
Compatibility isn’t just about chemistry.
It’s about emotional health.
Shared values.
Consistency.
Reciprocity.
Safety.
And just because someone activates something familiar…
doesn’t mean they’re your person.
Sometimes they’re your lesson.
So the next time you catch yourself saying,
“Why do I keep attracting these people?”
Try asking a different question.
Who am I choosing to entertain?
And what does that choice teach me about my inner world?
Because healing isn’t about controlling who shows up.
Healing is learning to recognize who aligns with the life you’re creating…
and having the courage to let go of what simply repeats the past.
Thank you so much for spending these minutes with me, soul friends.
Until next time…
Stay curious.
Because curiosity, not judgment, is where healing begins.
Minutes on Growth 