Click here to listen to Episode 98 of the Minutes on Growth Podcast
It’s Tannaz Hosseinpour and welcome back to another short solo episode of minutes on growth. I just finished putting the final touches on a relationship masterclass that I’m presenting this Sunday on healthy communication, and as I was finishing the slides, I thought to myself… all these tools that I’m sharing and that I would love for everyone to learn, does mastering them guarantee success in any dynamic? & while I’d love to say that it will, the truth is that no matter how skilled you are at communication, you can’t communicate your way to a healthy relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner
which made me recognize pattern that I’m seeing a lot in my own private practice: attracting emotionally unavailable partners.
I want to begin by saying that when it comes to relationships, it’s not about who you attract – but rather who you entertain that matters.
A couple of weeks ago, one of my 1:1 clients told me that she was going on a date with a man who seemed great on paper – he even had all the physical attributes she desired in her dream man. To make things even better, their date went great. They had amazing chemistry together!
However, after a couple of weeks, he told her that he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and that he wasn’t emotionally available for one either. In that moment, she was devastated. Everything seemed to be going so well… If only he hadn’t Brought it up.
In that moment she had a choice.
To either continue seeing him despite what he had straight up told her — like she had in the past, when she would entertain emotionally unavailable men – a choice that usually is made when we listen to the inner critic who tries to convince us that healthy relationship don’t exist especially if we’ve had unhealthy relationships modelled to us as children OR manipulatively uses any feelings of “lack” to convince us that we’re not good enough to have that type of relationship and that she should just settle for breadcrumbs OR maybe our needs aren’t even as important as we think they are and we could try to change ourselves to make it work OR the fixer voice inside of us that dismisses all the facts and says “he doesn’t know what he’s talking about… I can fix him.. I can change him into committing.. he just doesn’t know how amazing I can be.. and once I do x y z that he likes, he’ll change his mind” OR
For a change, she could choose the much more difficult choice of walking away, of breaking the pattern of entertaining unavailable men, and finally creating a new narrative for herself and for her future.
the first choice provided instant gratification but in the long run would be extremely painful because the chances of him changing are not in her control and she’ll end up on a hamster wheel of always feeling like she’s not enough for him regardless of whether she’s mastered all the relational skills that exist, while the second choice would force her into instant temporary discomfort but one that will allow her the opportunity to choose better for herself, to experience a different more expansive form of love, a type of love that the generations before her weren’t able to have because they weren’t even aware of the difference between being emotionally available and unavailable … and by doing so would open the portal of healthy love for the generations to come as well.
Now if my client was emotionally unavailable herself or if she was unaware of her triggers or her inner critic’s voice, then the first choice would be more aligned with where she was in her life… but this wasn’t the case because my client had set an intention in our sessions to only attract and entertain an emotionally available and mature man so that she could co-create the loving and secure relationship her soul truly desired .. a relationship where she could use all the tools that she had learned and actually see the fruits of her labor.. so she made the difficult decision of leaning into the second option.. the one that led her to temporary discomfort, in exchange for delayed but long-lasting gratification in the future..
& let me tell you… saying no to that initial spark, that initial chemistry can be extremely challenging — and sometimes the right decisions are difficult – but I cannot emphasize how many portals of blessings we open up every time we heal a part of ourselves that we had dismissed in the past, either intentionally or subconsciously.
so I’m here to remind you that change is possible.. it’s difficult yes, but if you commit to doing the inner work and showing up for yourself every single day to the best your ability, then it is definitely possible … after all, if the desire exists within you to experience a certain type of love, a love where you both can communicate in a way that has you both feeling heard, seen and valued, then you are meant for that and more.
Sending you lots of love,