Please click here to listen to Episode 50 of the Minutes on Growth Podcast
It’s Tannaz Hosseinpour and welcome to another short solo episode of Minutes on Growth. A couple of days ago, I did a live relationship Q/A on Instagram where I shared a communication tip that many found useful so I thought that I would share it here with you as well.
Have you ever been in a situation where you’re speaking to your significant other, your romantic partner, but the other person isn’t giving you the feedback you want. You’re sharing a story with them, but they’re on their phone. You’re speaking to them about your feelings, but it seems as if they’ve mentally checked out.
How frustrating does it feel? I myself experienced all of those numerous times and for me personally, it felt really annoying. I felt as if my partner didn’t care about me or that he didn’t love me enough to listen to me. I created so many mental stories around his reactions, stories that hurt me even more until I learned what I am about to share with you.
About a year ago, I learned that just because someone has the time, doesn’t necessarily mean that they have the mental capacity to process new information. So just because my partner is home from work and he’s not technically at work anymore, and he’s resting & watching tv, it doesn’t mean that he has the mental capacity to process what I am about to share with him. He might physically be there, but he might be carrying a heavy mental load.
So how has this realization changed things? Well now, when either one of us wants to share something or discuss something of significance that requires the other person’s full attention, we ask for permission first. So it sounds something like this,
My love, I would love to share something with you. Let me know when you’re available to give me your attention. You can add whether it is urgent or not, so for example I could either say, it’s not time sensitive or it’s a bit time sensitive, so I’d appreciate it if you could make time for it as soon as possible.
When I say this, I need to create space for two responses. Either my partner will let me know that they’re available at that very moment OR I allow them to say not right now and to give me a date and time that works for them, so when they have both the time and mental capacity to give me their full attention , be fully present, and process what I’m sharing with them. Being okay with the second response is crucial in this process. Your partner needs to feel safe and comfortable saying no, without having the fear of how you’ll react and you need to be open to hearing it, without judgment, and vice versa.
Learning and practicing this has truly enhanced the quality my relationship. Now, if I’m communicating with my partner, I feel heard. When both parties in a relationship feel heard, they tend to appreciate and respect one another more.
I hope that this communication tool serves you and your relationship as much as it has served mine. May we all feel seen, heard and valued in our relationships.
Thank you for listening, speak soon.